[Holes in Those Pockets]

Having these last few days to yourself, when nothing
really sets your mind focused best other than on an
impending finals week, I felt really assured on what
the future had had in mind for me.

Like pacing yourself towards a dark corner, you know
that there is something horrific lurking behind it.
Even if there were nothing at all, the anticipation
is still gruesome enough to make you sweat beads.

I know now and had made peace with it, that I will
flunk this semester. Not just a course, but the whole
works, the complete ensemble of the system.

Unlike many others that I've known, I know myself a
lot better than anyone else has had. It took me a
few years to really get to know my limits and my
sense of pride. How far and how low, they are all in
the immediate grasp of my shaky fingers.

I set my foot here on the wrong motives, thus by law
of the Creator, everything else that followed will
succumb to the act of opposing the achievements of
that motives. I set out to please everybody else by
bringing them what they wanted me to have: a degree.

I set out not thinking that probably a degree is not
what i wanted all along. I set out to this place just
because everybody said "This is a 'rezeki' that nobody
had ever dreamt of". I set out because I let myself
be fooled by the extravagance of the future that they
saw in me. I set out for the sole sake of setting out.

The man I am does not rely upon the vast influence of
Excuse nor its generic predecessor, Reason. Thus, I
have no desire to bring Fault upon myself and others.
Stating this, it is hopefully realized that Regret
is implied not worthy of use as of now and that all
that has been laid upon is thus Allah's wish.

Ever since I was enligthened with the knowledge of
Excellence, that it's build upon the thrusts of Interest
and Rezeki, I knew that deviation of faith will
bring upon me the mislead image of a secured future.
Had it not been for the urgency of Time and its
desperation for preparedness, I would've never been
here in the first place. I would've never been able to
earn the key that had opened doors.

Being here only to be left alone by Interest, has not
done any good to me nor the causes that I seemed to have
been struggling for. All of them will return to dust
soon enough and I will be left with wasted years in my
pockets. Pray with me that I would survive this finals
exams, so to see if there are holes in those pockets.