’Horny’ is Not the Best Word to Describe a Rhino.
(Into the Honest and Bold Thoughts of a True Weblog Critic).
by YBLalat

Today, we will be reading a critique about me, both as a weblog writer and as a person (in context with the critique, a guy), written by somebody whom I have no idea who. One day at 3 o'clock in the morning, I woke up and logged on to my guestbook server and crapped myself in my pants while reading this commentary. Okay, maybe that was too dramatic for an entrance, but at the time that she wrote this (yes, it's a 'she'!), I only knew her name (and even that was told by a friend) and that she was a spectacle-wearer (I saw her up-close once, in a one-tenth-of-a-second glance). That is all that I knew then - nothing else. Now, I am not going to give you hints about her or anything (I know a lot of people who knows me who read this page religiously - thus to avoid privacy breach), so, let's just get into business, shall we?

"I just finished my class where we watched a movie and yes, the whole time I was watching it, I was, like, only thinking about Lalat and how he wrote how he wrote. Okay, what I think makes him kind of solitudinal is because he has, one, the most obvious of all, an inferiority complex. He's the kind of guy girls thinks are really quiet and sweet and harmless, but with all this shit going on in his head - it can get pretty sickening, you know? So, basically, my advise would be: "Girls, stay away from him!" He whines about how girls are so much trouble and teen love is a crock of shit and all that, but let me tell you this - if and when he falls in love, he's going to fall hard, really hard. The reason he writes the way he writes is because he doesn't really have anyone close to share these strange, creepy thoughts with. He's a very sensitive person really - he notices stuff around him and gives wonderful insights. Very, very perceptive. I mean, come on, you don't get that stuff from the other guys. But then, even with this sensitiveness, he just get really, really weird."

"And more sadly enough, he doesn't have friends (girl ones, I mean) who are willing to put up with a guy talking incesantly about how he view the world. Yes, I know, I know, I'm being judgemental about this, but truthfully, I myself went through all that phase. I don't remember - how old was I then? 15? 16? I know it's not entirely that simple to judge something about someone and furthermore, not everybody is the same, but the symptoms are there. I mean, this guy is observing the world through a glass screen! He doesn't involve himself in it. He enjoys the experience, I mean, like he really savours it, but he spoils it by being so bitchy about it all the time. But still, I got to give him a little bit of respect because he's pretty dedicated to his writing. I didn't read his Bahasa Melayu ones because they are, I don't know, I bet they are good too, but I just can't read/understand Bahasa. Come on, man, who could not but vomit at reading the title "Tetek Seorang Lelaki"? But I loved the one about the conversation with his mother. He is a mommy's boy, can you believe that? Too bad - he's just not brave enough to live the life that he writes about. He can be pretty controversial, that's for sure, but I think that's just him trying to be provocative (craving for attention or whatever), or maybe most guys really do think like that? Hm...really. Anyway, he just doesn't see why he has to be a 'gentleman' like any other normal guys."

"The (brutal) frankness in which he addressed the teenage sex thingy was a little disturbing to me. I mean, what if his parents read it? I know, I knw, I'm thinking like an innocent girl again. But hey, the way he wrote about the issue, that is eligible to cause a controversy still. He's afraid that if he interacts too much with girls or his readers, he's going to lose his 'YBLalat' perspective, or the unique way he writes his journal. But yeah, that is kind of true, isn't it? When you are all alone, you have all this time in the world to think and analyze and play visions inside your head till you find the perfect ideal of an issue, and then, in your very own words and sentences, describe it through your eyes. Only then may you preserve the memory of the issue exactly how you remembered it. But remember, this journal thing he got is published online. This is not entirely personal. He knows that his writing is good and of course he wants people to admire his writing, to receive some form of adulation. That, my friend, is exactly what online journals are for - egocentricity. You just can't publish your own thoughts without being egocentric. It's just impossible - this guy's existence is an obvious example."

Okay, now that that is over, let me tell you how much I would love to write back a lengthy entry in defense of myself. Who wouldn't do such a sensible thing, correct? Just think of it - even murderers have their rights to a defense counsel. But, well, I don't think that replying back to her would solve anything anytime soon. So, being that "sensitive" person that she said I am, I've decided to just let it go. Breathe in and breathe out and just let it go. Let it go, Faizal. Just let it go. Can you say 'Let it go', Faizal? Can you? Of course you can - just let it go. Say it now.

"Let it go."

Ah... there you go. Don't you feel better now? I, too, feel so much better now. Huh...that feels so good, right? Come, come, follow me. Let us watch some hot Swedish lesbians doing it doggy-style on the Internet. That will patch up your hurt ego good, won't it?