Ruangan Soal Jawab Pelajar Luar Negeri Bersama Dr. YB Lalat
(Bahagian Dua)

[Email 1]

Howdy, Dr. YB. I am a male student in my 20s and am currently in a very intimate relationship with my girlfriend. We hooked up as a couple rather late in our relationship as close friends but that only added the advantage of us knowing each other well and long enough to look past the obviously lacking and learn to love that true person inside. However, the reason I am writing to you now is to share with you this new "development" between me and my girlfriend that I encountered not long ago. You see, recently my girlfriend has started to wear those tight and short-sleeved t-shirts. Being that she is a somewhat religious Muslim, the sight of her with such an exposing dress and her conservative yet chest-emphasizing tudung is an awkward scene to my eyes. However, also knowing from our years of casual freindship that she is very maturely fashionable, her new choice of wear does not trouble me that much. The worrying new "development", as I say before, is that from her short-sleeved t-shirts, I was aghast to realize that my girlfriend has a very, very active growth of skin hair all over her arms, from the tip of her knuckles to the far end of her shoulders. The hair growing out of her arms are so thick and black that they seem to be combable. It struck me hard. She was as hairy as a monkey! Whenever we are together and in public, I become uncontrollably embarassed by the obviousness of her hairy arms. During lectures, I noticed that other people sitting near her noticed her hairy arms and I could not but feel the same uneasiness that they felt. In popular American culture, a young woman who does not tend to her well-kept appearance (i.e. light moustache, uni-eyebrow, unshaven armpit and legs) is either a feminist-advocate lesbian or a castaway. I do admit, however, that a woman with a somewhat hairy body is a great turn-on for me personally, and that if we are alone, I would certainly enjoy romantically caressing her hairy arms. But I just can't explain the reason why I am so disturbed by the notion that she has that "extra physical feature". I have not express this heavy concern of mine to her yet because I fear that she might see me as a shallow person, a jerk, whom judges people solely by how they appear on the outside. I don't want to lose her, I love her so, but I also do not want to be the butt joke of my friends and co-workers. I am grateful to her for loving me for the way that I am, but deep inside my heart, all I want in a relationship is a normal, pure human-bred, smooth-skinned girlfriend. Please help me.

-Me and My Naturally Insulated Girlfriend-

Dr. YB: First of all, I would like to express my deepest sympathy to you, may God have mercy on your poor soul. How you were destined to fall greatly in love with such a rare type of woman is beyond what my years of formal education can comprehend and explain. I can only give you an advice, my friend, a man-to-man advice, that will either make you hate me or later on, be grateful to me. Dump her. I know that it will be hard on you and especially on her, since you are dumping her for something as idiotic as her hairiness, but let me tell you why you need to do this. You need to do this not only for the sake of your pride and honor, but also you are helping other men out there. How? Let us say that even after what I have told you to do, you do not dump her and in fact, your love grow stronger at the challenge of accepting a hairy woman into your life and in the long run, you take her as your wife. Then, being that you are the eternal butt joke of your friends and co-workers, you have become a weak and depressed man. From what my wise father told me, a man who is weak and depressed can never perform the near-mythical 'seeing the face of God' sex to his woman in bed, that would eventually lead to the creation of female babies. These babies would grow up into the most beautiful and sexy hotties the world has ever seen but in secrecy, they carry under their clothes the genetically-enhanced hairiness multiple in effect than that of your girlfriend. This would only create more misery and pain when unaware and innocent bachelors such as myself fall in love with these second generation hairy women. Do you want the cursed wrath of all eligible men, present and future, fall upon your already condemned being? Then, believe, obey and dump.


[Email 2]

Salam hormat buat Tuan Doktor. Saya seorang pelajar tahun satu yang kini melanjutkan pengajian di sebuah U di Amerika Syarikat. Kiranya baru sahaja kira-kira 2 bulan saya meninggalkan tanahair. Keadaan di negeri orang ini amat baik dan hampir-hampir seperti yang dipaparkan di stesen televisyen di Malaysia. Saya kira saya berjaya mengasimilasikan gaya hidup berbeza masyarakat Barat ini dengan tatasusila dan kesopanan tamadun Timur. Walau bagaimana pun, saya kini dirundung masalah yang tidak pernah saya alami sebelum ini dan sentiasa membuatkan saya berasa kurang senang. Tujuan saya menulis surat ini ialah ingin meminta nasihat Tuan Doktor akan cara menangani hal-ehwal gangguan, saya kira, oleh para pendakwah ajaran Mormon yang kerap bertebaran di kawasan U saya dan suka pula menahan saya di tengah-tengah perjalanan pulang dari/ke kelas. Untuk pengetahuan semua, Tuan Doktor adalah seorang bekas pelajar (alumni) di sebuah U awam di Amerika Syarikat dan saya kira pasti dia tahu serba sedikit latar belakang masalah ini dan boleh membantu saya. Jika dikira dalam tempoh masa 2 bulan yang lampau, sudah hampir 6 kali saya diberhentikan oleh para pendakwah Mormon ini di kawasan U dan dipaksa secara tidak terus untuk mendengar dan melayan benda-benda khurafat yang cuba disampaikan. Saya bertambah kurang selesa apabila mereka cuba meminta saya bersama-sama mereka ke gereja mewah mereka yang berdekatan dan jika saya menolak, mereka akan berusaha untuk mendapatkan nombor telefon dan masa lapang saya pada hari yang lain. Pada mulanya, saya cuba bersahaja dan beramah-mesra, tetapi sejauh mana pun saya cuba menonjolkan keramahan dan kemesraan Timur saya, akhirnya cuma senyuman tawar yang dibuat-buat yang melekat pada bibir saya. Kata-kata pegawai tajaan sebelum ke Amerika Syarikat kerap bergema di dalam telinga saya: "Anda adalah duta-duta kecil Malaysia ke negara luar. Tunjukkan akhlak dan kemesraan Timur yang menjadi kebanggaan masyarakat kita." Ini telah membuatkan saya semakin tertekan dan rasa tidak selamat dan seringkali cuba mengelak dari bertembung dengan mereka lagi. Tolonglah saya Tuan Doktor.

-Gadis Timur Bakal Akauntan-

Dr. YB: Sungguh kasihan saya melihat/membaca keadaan saudari. Apa yang cik baru sahaja ceritakan memang menjadi pengalaman ngeri yang selalu menghantui tidur malam para pelajar tahun satu di USA. Saya juga tidak terkecuali dari mendapat pengalaman sebegitu dan saya amat memahami ketakutan dan kerisauan yang cik alami kini. Saya nasihatkan cik agar, jika pertemuan dengan para pendakwah Mormon ini menakutkan/merisaukan cik setiap kali cik berjalan pulang atau ke kelas, maka ubahlah pandangan dan jadikan ia suatu yang menyeronokkan. Bagaimana? Cik boleh menyamar menjadi warga asing yang buta tuli dan cuba berkomunikasi dengan mereka menggunakan bahasa isyarat. Cik boleh juga berpura-pura tidak boleh bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris, melakonkan watak seorang immigran yang baru tiba. Boleh juga jika cik melayan dengan bersahaja apa yang mereka ucapkan tetapi apabila mereka meminta nombor telefon cik, cik ubahkan nombor telefon cik kepada jiran apartment cik yang cik tidak berapa suka. Senang cerita, cik boleh menjadikan masalah ini satu macam pelepas tekanan setiap kali tamat kelas dengan memperbodoh-bodohkan para pendakwah tadi. Ini bukan sahaja baik untuk kesihatan mental cik, tetapi boleh juga dijadikan cerita menarik untuk disampaikan kepada orang kampung dan jiran tetangga apakala tamat pengajian cik kelak.