High School Biology and How It Ruined My Adult Life (Part 3)
by YBLalat

During the period of sex education in my high school biology days, a lot of the fun and humor of it was from the dialogues that had occurred and/or was heard by my friends and me. Before this I informed you that I am not good at remembering stuff, that I have a poor memory, but anything related to sex and flirty teenage girls are unexplainable exceptions.

[Situation #1]
Biology in-class discussion - Ambry, Poknik and Lalat - groups assigned to specific contraceptive method each - a very hot afternoon.

Poknik: Weh, 'Lat. Kau tahu ak apa cara lain nak gunakan kondom?
Lalat: Huh? Apo? [detects a joke in the making]
Poknik: Maksud aku, alah, cara kreatif ah. [a dirty smile]
Ambry: Maksud dia, selain dari sarung kat anu tu ah, 'Lat. [makes hand gesture]
Lalat: Cara lain eh? Kau nak tahu buat apa? Apa cikgu nak ke?
Poknik: Tak ah, saja ah. Kau tahu ak?
Lalat: Malas ah aku nak layan kau, Poknik. Tanya Amb ah!
Ambry: Eh, aku ak! Kau ah. Aku mana tahu seh. [laughs]
Poknik: Come on ah 'Lat, takkan ah kau tak tahu.
Lalat: Aww...man. Hot dang. [thinks a while] Okeh, tahu satu.
Ambry: Orait!
Lalat: First sekali, kau tahu ak apa basic idea application kondom ni?
Poknik: Eh? [scratches head]
Lalat: Apa mekanisme dia ah, dol. Cam na dia tak kasi beranak. Tahu?
Ambry: [Laughs] Hah, jawab kau Poknik.
Poknik: Jangan kasi sperma berenang masuk dalam ah. Betul?
Lalat: Betul. [flips textbook] Tahu lah pulak kau.
Poknik: Senang hafal ah ni. [smiles]
Ambry: Kau cari apa, 'Lat?
Lalat: Gambar konek ah, nak ajar kau ni.
Poknik: Oh. Dekat muka surat yang ada gambar rajah sperma tu. Ah tu! [points with finger]
Lalat: Pergh, Poknik, hafal sial buku teks.
Poknik: Biasa ah, aku baru je study bab ni malam tadi.
Lalat: Wokeh ah, kejap ah. [searches desk] Ada macam benda yang macam kondom ak?
Ambry: Macam apa?
Lalat: Macam kondom ah, elastik ke hapa. Nak buat alat bantuan mengajar ni.
Poknik: Getah nak? [hands it in]
Ambry: Kau buat apa getah ni?
Poknik: Ikat alat LT aku ah, pembaris semua.
Lalat: Dah, dengar ni. Balik pada konsep basic tadi, tak nak kasi sperma berenang, kan?
Ambry: Ha'ah.
Lalat: Jadi, cara biasa kondom pakai, sarung kat sepanjang batang sini, kan? [points to diagram] Betul?
Poknik: Betul!
Lalat: Wokeh. Kalau kau tarik sikit kondom ni, [stretches rubber band] dia dibuat dari getah asli woo, jadi tak de nya rabak kalau kau stretch dia panjang sikit.
Ambry: Kalau konek panjang, boleh ah all size fits all kondom eh?
Lalat: Lebih kurang ah. Tapi yang panjang je ah, yang katik punya, aku tak tahu ah.
Poknik: Oh. [Nods]
Lalat: Kau tarik kondom tu memanjang, sampai jadi panjang sikit macam tali, tau. Lepas tu...
Ambry: [Laughs hysterically] Lawak sial ah teknik ni!
Lalat: Kau kalau dah tangkap, diam ah. Aku nak bagitahu Poknik ni.
Poknik: Apa Amb? Weh, apa?
Lalat: Dah, kau dengar aku terangkan ni, Poknik.
Ambry: [Laughs] Bangsat ah, 'Lat!
Poknik: Lepas tu apa?
Lalat: Lepas dah jadi macam tali kondom tu, kau lilit ah kat keliling sini [points to testicles], kau cerut ah kondom tu kat situ, jangan kasi saluran yang sperma tu berenang sampai kat sini [points to semen ductus].
Poknik: Huh?
Ambry: [Laughs] Tak paham, Poknik?
Lalat: Kau ikat ah kondom yang kau tarik tu kuat-kuat, jadi macam tali ah dia, ikat tak nak kasi sperma terlepas keluar dari telur kau. Apa ah.
Poknik: Tak pedih ke?

[Situation #2]
Saturday afternoon - around 3 - I was walking along the corridor to my favorite study spot in the hostel area - a secluded study room near the store room - the boys' hostel was empty - a lot of the others were out outing in Bandar Melaka - nearby one of the more crowded study rooms - I heard weak chantings - possibly of two voices - I couldn't figure out what was being chanted - I walked slowly and peeked into the room - there were two junior students - one was holding his head with both arms covering his ears and a biology textbook in front of him - eyes closed and rocking his head gently - the other one had his face inside his book (literally) and on the desk - both were chanting different things at the same time.

Student-with-face-in-book: Hor-mon oh-va-ri! L-H! F-S-H! Es-tro-gen, oh-vu-la-si! Pro-ges-te-ron, din-ding ra-him! Es-tro-gen, oh-vu-la-si! Pro-ges-te-ron, din-ding ra-him! [stops and takes breath] Ki-tar hor-mon! Es-tro-gen na-ik! Oh-vu-la-si! Pro-ges-te-ron na-ik! Din-ding te-bal! Es-tro-gen na-ik! Oh-vu-la-si!

Student-with-ears-covered: Tes-tikel, tes-tikel, tes-tikel, tes-tikel, tes-tikel! [stops and looks at diagram] Skro-tum, skro-tum, skro-tum, skro-tum, skro-tum! [stops and flips page] U-terus, u-terus, u-terus, u-terus, u-terus! [stops and looks at diagram] Ser-viks, ser-viks, ser-viks, ser-viks, ser-viks!

[Situation #3]
Heard sometime while having shower - did not recognize a conversation between who - perpetrator unknown and is believed to be still at large.

"Weh! Sapa pulak lah yang bawak ni? Psycho ah!"
"Apa?"
"Ni hah, gambar rajah pantat ni, ni yang kat dalam buku teks bio, sial."
"Bawak masuk dalam bilik air?"
"Tampal kat belakang pintu jamban."
"Tampal buku teks?"
"Dia soyat ah gambar tu, Tomok, lepas tu dia tampal kat situ."
"Oh. Nak buat melancap ah tu."
"Mesti ah, takkan nak buat study lak."
"Tinggi imaginasi mamat ni. Ish ish."

[Situation #4]
Guys from my class were hanging out - at the class corridor - waiting for the bell to ring - about 6 or 7 of them - mostly prefects with high ranks and neck ties - boys just being themselves - talking in a soft voice but clearly.

"Weh, weh. Kau tengok si Arni tu weh, kaki dia, kaki dia."
"Pergh, laju sial kaki dia mengipas."
"Tak ingat dunia punya laju."
"Tengah seronok ah tu."
(All burst into chuckling, devilish laughter.)
"Kau jangan ah, Tapir ngamuk kang kau kutuk awek dia."
"Alah, Tapir. Cool ah."
"Arni teringat abang Tapir ah tu, kaki dia laju tu."
"Eh, memang betul eh, kalau pompuan stim, dia goyang kaki, dua-dua, macam tu eh?" <--Poknik!
"Kalau tak silap aku ah, ye kot."
"Sebab apa ah?"
"Memang macam tu ah. Sama ah sebab nya dia orang punya tetek mengeras."
"Cheh-wah, tahu sial kau. Kimak! Muka je baik, tapi otak..."
"Aku tengok VCD blue abang aku ah."
"Oh, pompuan stim pun tetek mengeras eh?"
"Puting, puting."
"Oh."
"Habis, kau ingat dia orang stim macam mana?"
"Eh, aku mana tahu semua ni."
"Kau bukannya ada adik pompuan ke?"
"Habis? Apahal kau!"
(All burst into mad laughter.)
"Mana aku tahu, kau tak main doktor-doktor, sorry ah."
"Lawak bangsat ah."
"Cakap pasal stim ni kan, aku dengar kalau dia orang tengah gila punya stim, dia orang tak boleh tahan eh?"
"Maksud kau, mesti nak dapat jugak batang?"
"Macam tu ah. Eh, betul eh?"
"Ntah, tapi yang aku tahu, kalau dia stim, memang gila ah, tak boleh lari ah kau."
"Ni bukan stim yang macam biasa punya, woh, ni yang jenis keluar air punya!"
"Ye ah, ni ah aku cakap."
"Aku rasa ye ah kot, pasal dalam VCD blue abang aku tu, siap jerit-jerit nama lagi."
"Tak tahan ah tu. Kemuncak, kemuncak!"
"Ye ke? Aku ingat saja gimik Hollywood je benda tu."
"Jerit-jerit nama semua tu?"
"Ha'ah."
"Kau tahu ak yang kat dalam pantat tu ada otot-otot yang bersalin tu, yang mengembang, menguncup, masa mak kau beranakkan kau tu?"
"Kalau kau buat lawak guna mak aku, siap kau."
"Tak ah. Kau bayangkan kalau otot tu yang teran kau keluar dari rahim tu, dipeluknya kontol kau masa beromen."
"Fulamak, melolong Tarzan ah!"
"Punya ah kuat otot tu!"
"Mesti menjerit-jerit ah gayanya."
(All become silent for a while and stared at the floor.)
"Weh, weh. Tengok weh. Jumie pakai bra dia yang tali bersilang tu, bentuk X."
"Baju nipis sial, nampak terang je."
"Fesyen baru kot tu, aku perasan ramai gak budak kelas kita yang pakai style macam tu."
"Mana kau perasan?"
"Aku kan duduk belakang sekali kat kelas bio."

Haha *cough* haha.