Issue: A columnist for the MN Daily?

You must be kidding me there. I may be good at the things that I do every so often, but getting paid for doing them? Isn’t that a kind of a dream job, similar like working as a game tester? Are you sure? Has it reached that point in my life already? What ever happened to the demon that keeps track of what torturous jobs everybody will eventually land on in his or her first years of employment experience? Such twist and turn in a life’s plot makes you wonder. Ha! This is definitely an elaborate entrapment by rich Jewish conspirators working behind somebody I know and pulling the strings to exploits my talent. Firstly, they make me overspend on vending machines’ junk food. Then, they sabotaged my credit card application forms that I mailed so that I won’t be able to build my credit history. At the end, they send in somebody close to me to insert the needle and persuade me to work for the summer version of the MN Daily. Everybody knows that nobody reads the summer edition of the Daily. It is thinner and the contents suck because nobody bothers to send in news but rather go sunbathe on the grass. Not many people email Network and share their piece of crap. The crossword puzzles are reruns from other newspapers. The only thing worth reading is the Bizarro cartoon at the back, but I already subscribed via email, arriving at my inbox every morning. This is very suspicious. I’d better be on a close lookout from now on.

Issue: Why didn’t she land on the water?

Tulang told me that the new kid broke her arm while having a ball with her rollerblading seniors. She landed on her arm to avoid crashing into the river. Instead, she chose to trust the sandy riverbank to absorb the impact of her fall. Now she has a missile launcher as her substitute arm. That’s very unusual, don’t you think? You are on high gear coming down on a one way road heading towards the water. The speed is off the state limit and you couldn’t stop the run. Having such conditions then, wouldn’t you jump into the river instead? There must be at least a split second buffer time before you decide to roll over and crash. She could have saved her arm by letting the water grab hold of her. Things might get wet, but hey, at least you won’t be fancying a cement arm for weeks. Thus I conclude that decision was truly a matter of fashionable choice.

Issue: Denying common myths.

Premise #1: The author has a new hobby of jogging across the Mississippi every few days in a week in his tumultuous effort to lose weight and gain acceptance of the singles community.
Premise #2: The author even tried using his roommate dumbbells (silently) to build the muscle on both his arms so that he could flex his biceps at lovely strangers.
Myth: The author has now achieved a bodybuilder’s dream body and fitness.
Reality: In fact, the author is experiencing a common backlash of over-exercising: the increase of appetite. Right now [pinching own belly] his weight is pretty much the same as when he started having that fitness fad. The spare tire is still there hanging like a monkey to a banana. So, added that he eats at a sumo wrestler’s rate, he only managed to get himself a pair of strained leg muscles to try to sleep on and a basketful of sweaty laundry and foul-smelling underwear every weekend. Nothing else has changed much.
Proof: Here [pinching own belly again].

Premise #1: The author postponed to buy a new toothpaste for a record-breaking period of 4 days after the last one dried up, which resulted in 4 young men not brushing their teeth for 4 days but still having the dignity to go outside and meet the world.
Premise #2: The author has not been spotted near any ATMs in the Dinkytown area since the day he came back from the Midwest Games; in fact, he has not been seen outside of his apartment for weeks.
Myth: The author is dead broke and out of cash and is very suicidal at the moment.
Reality: The author is dead broke and out of cash and is very suicidal at the moment. He dreams of winning the California State $145 Million Lottery every night and the word ‘money’ makes his face flush in terror. The idea of becoming a male stripper for gay bachelor parties even passed by his mind once but later denied by his weakening conscience. Let us all pray that God will help him keep his sanity intact until his sponsor pours in scholarship funds into his bank account at the start of next month.
Proof: He is jogging and trying losing weight to keep his mind off of the financial problem.

Premise #1: The author phoned his family in Malaysia one Friday evening to hear his kid brothers’ squeaky voices and catch up on things back home with his parents.
Premise #2: The author wrote long emails to his oldest kid brother and his cute female cousin from Sabak Bernam and in them, he told news of how he is holding up strong to his decision of not coming back to Malaysia this winter break.
Myth: The author is as homesick as a little girl lost in the woods.
Reality: The author is a strong man of his decision. He has the will power of a mature adult. He has never been in tears since he had his circumcision and even then it was not due to the pain, but to the cruel jokes made by his kid brother at the sight of his mutilated [cough] member. (The author later returned the same favor to his kid brother when it was his turn to be circumcised.)
Proof: He is jogging and trying losing weight to keep his mind off of the regret of canceling his travel plan.

Premise #1: The author has no interest in a committed relationship with the opposite sex; in fact, he loathes even mentioning the idea of such.
Premise #2: The author is the best cook among his roommates and could not keep his hands off of a messy apartment. He spends his spare time cleaning up the living room, washing the dishes, fixing meals and decorating his bedroom walls.
Myth: The author is utterly gay.
Reality: Rated from the scale of one to ten, with one being vagina-loving, ten being a sodomy-advocate activist and five being a blind bisexual (because of the inability to distinguish sex organs), the author is at the digit three. This is due to the fact that when the author was four years old, he was French-kissed by a boy one year younger than he was. His life was never the same again.
Proof: He thinks Mandy Moore and Tulang are cute.

Premise #1: The author is very fashion-conscious when dealing with his clothes, especially with the hats he wears to go outside.
Premise #2: The author spends a lot of money for a mere haircut and he refuses his hair to be cut by his roommate no matter at what cost. Furthermore, he visits the barbershop more frequent than anybody else.
Myth: The author is very stylish and proud with his self-made image.
Reality: The author is being plagued by male pattern premature baldness at the age of twenty. This is because his father and all of his uncles from his father’s side of the family are all with wide foreheads and experienced frontal hair loss at an early age. Such problem is unavoidable due to its hereditary nature (thin skin epidermis on the skin of the skull) and could only be concealed (temporarily) using colorful hats and skinhead style hairdo.
Proof: The author used to shave his head when he was in Form 4 and falsely claimed to be a born street skinhead supporter and even conformed to the whole underground movement ethics. Now he fancies hats to class.

Issue: Amnesiac debuted 2nd at the Billboard

You know what, I do not want to say anything further about this matter. Americans are a bunch of idiots when it comes to really good music coming to their shore. I just could not figure out why Staind beat the crap out of Radiohead's debut week sales at the Billboard. Let them rot on that for a while. My opinion on this: the same thing this cute little girl has to say to all of you American bubblegum-pop listeners.