[The Dragon Lady and the world after the Mall Incident]
by YBLalat

Cynthia, the contact person on hiring for the Physics’ job opening, was not available when I phoned her. I rang more than twice yesterday but only her machine answered my calls. If I do not get a reply call from her at latest today, then I need to consider following out a plan B for my summer employment activity. It is either a Mechanical lab attendant or a West Bank Law librarian. Whichever comes first, it does not matter any more; I just need a job to kill time. I cannot afford to wake up another day to the idle face of Mamat.

Pyan knew about the trip to the Mall last Friday. Now he has something to make fun of me with, showing off his sarcastic smile at me each time. How I would like to punch his face! He keeps repeating how ‘coming of age I have been lately’ in terms of with girls, each time directly at my face. I wish I could defend myself with the truth, but that would only aggravate the situation. In fact, somebody else might end up getting hurt. From my experience with handling such hecklers, Pyan should just be treated like an invisible fool every time he comes up with that Mall matter. The best thing that I could shut him up with is my utter silence and condescending ignorance to his face. In a few days, he will stop it eventually. Well, at least until the Midwest Games trip this Friday, when Norris is also onboard the rented van with all of us. I bet then he will make it the trip’s theme joke.

Frankly, I do not want to tell anybody, not even you guys, about the earlier details of the event that successfully lead to Pyan harassing me with his smirks. To me, it does not solve anything (it may even create new ones) and thus just a waste of my precious time and yours. However, I need some sort of closure to this matter, being it having to whine at strangers or just crying aloud in the middle of Dinky town. Oh heck, whatever the consequences! It was Thursday evening, around 4 to 6 o’clock, and I was busy finishing my long-delayed essays from past winter break. The phone rang and it was Norris at the other end. She was asking for Mamat or Tulang, but none of them were at home at the time, to ask them whether or not their plan to go to Saint Paul was still on. I said I do not know and asked if she wanted to leave a message for any of the two jackass. Instead, she asked me what I was doing that day. I told her about my holiday hobby of writing short stories and that I was on the verge of finishing one essay (which was a lie!). Then she told me that she too had some sort of the same thing, a somewhat holiday activity. It was doing a photo scrapbook using the photos she took for the past one years or so. I complimented it as being ‘cool’ (which was also a lie!) and she said that although she had had it planned in her head the details and the outline of that scrapbook for a long time now, she had not had the chance to actually start working on it due to the lack of proper stationery and materials related.

Then unexpectedly, the killer bomb was dropped; she asked whether or not I was free tomorrow (?). By this moment, I was petrified and shaking at the same time. After that, every time she asked me a question, there would be a hesitant three seconds delay for each of my reply and my replies were usually of “huh?” or “what?” or even a simple sigh. The thing was she knew I was free any day; I did not have a job and I planned not to have one before the Midwest Games. She knew that, I have told her before. If she were not listening the first time I told her, then the course of the conversation would have gone to somewhere else, right?

At the end of the phone dialogue, she asked me to accompany her to the Mall and it took me some time before I uttered an uncertain ‘Yes’. In between the two questions, she did say something else, something about her work schedule I think, but I was too occupied deciding on what excuse to use on her. I thought that a ruthless ‘No’ would the trick just as fine as any excuse, but I just could not bear to let her down. In a conversation that took place almost a week before, during the finals week, she told me that her traveling plan for the summer, with a friend named Nini, got canceled at the last minute. She complained that she would be left alone here since all the other girls in U of M were on track to go somewhere for the summer. She said she feared getting bored and being alone, and I agree with her on the latter part. Women would do anything to avoid being alone; I read an article about the issue in a magazine some time ago. The worst thing that could be added to this is that there were nobody else invited to it. It was just me and her. (Oh, why did not I see that coming then?)

Therefore, I thought that as close classmates and expatriates, it would be courteous for me to do her the favor of company. I did not give much thought to the whole thing and now, I regret it not doing that. The next morning around eleven, close to noon, I was on the ‘Net, checking my emails, chatting with my ex-schoolmates now studying in Japan and reading the online paper, when she messaged me via the MIRC. It was a rather hasty conversation because she was working and did not want to be caught by her boss doing something else, I guess. In that short chat, she explained the details of the plan that she would wait for me in front of Kolthoff Hall around three, just after the Friday prayer and roughly the agenda of the whole trip. At that moment, I felt that it was too late to pull myself out of the mess. I reaffirmed my stand by iterating to myself that all is going to be well and prayed that at that moment; my decision was the most proper thing to do.

Before ending the chat session, she told me to invite those in the apartment who would like to join us. There was nobody there, I told her and then she laughed (online). By now, my eyes were open wide. I knew what was coming and it did not look pleasing. “Oh, damn you Satan; you drag me down this road again!” I slouched back a crooked spine on the computer chair and massaged my forehead with one hand and pressing my shrinking stomach with the other. I was horrified. Before I knew it, Pyan was making jokes about the whole incident.

Personally, the Mall trip was nothing deeper than that. I remember how I walked a few steps heading towards Como to check whether or not there was anybody who could be of availability for the trip, or in other words, to replace me. I did walk until reaching the U sports area, where Malaysians at the U play football sometimes in the evening, but eventually, I stopped and turned around. If I did found someone (Adha was actually there), then would I still be a good friend to trust promises with? [Sigh] Of course not. In the eyes of Norris, I would be the biggest jerk. In the eyes of others, I would be the most selfish asshole. Not that they know of the trip back then, but hey, Pyan knows now. I could have saved my own skin then, but who would save me from myself? Sometimes I just do not know the reasons why I cannot just simply turn down a favor or say ‘No’.

I inhaled the longest, most deepest breath and with my eyes closed, I put my right foot ahead and started pacing myself to Kolthoff Hall. “There is no turning back now, Lalat. You brought this upon yourself; thus, you must be strong for yourself to live with that decision” That was how I face the whole day.

I swear to God, I will never do such a thing again. Not even if she, or anybody else in that matter, begs me to. Not even to accompany her to the nearest grocery store to buy toothpicks. Not even a call from the farthest pay phone so desperate in the middle of the night. Never! I should have known better not to play around with fire. I should have known better not to stick my head out of the window. No matter in what shape they come, always the same situation results to it: ‘Girl’ spells ‘Trouble’. Now the shit has hit the fan and I am the only fool near enough to get splattered with it.