The First Son's Burden

Yesterday morning Mom called me up on the phone, but the Caller ID screened her call out, forcing her to leave a message instead. It took me near an hour to get back to her, but she was okay with it. I told her that I was having my breakfast when she rang; although in truth, I was in the middle of a Counter Strike marathon, training myself up to be a sniper for the next LAN Party. Yes, I lied, and to my mother, to make the sin even worse - but believe me, I don't do that often. It's not like me to lie to Mom - it was the game's doing.

"Musim apa ni kat sana ni?"

It wasn't an emergency or anything out of the ordinary. Every month or so Mom would ring me up during the weekends to check up on me and my health. Oftentimes, the call would be put on my bill, but nowadays, she insists that she be the one paying the tab. Before Fairuz, my kid brother now taking matrikulasi, moved away to his hostel in Melaka, Mom would often write me emails, and sometimes even put herself behind the keyboard and have a go at the online chatting business. Nowadays, she prefers ringing me up in the morning instead.

"Apa gilanya si Bush tu, Long?"

Yesterday was actually my two kid brothers' birthday; one at 9 and the other at 6 years old. How convenient it is for Mom that her two youngest boys' birthdays are only a few days apart. She was cooking something special in the kitchen for the two's celebration, and while waiting for the homemade cake in the oven to be done, she decided to ring me up. Dad was in the garage washing the family's two cars; he doesn't like the idea of celebrating one's birthday, he says it is not from the Islamic culture to do so, which explains why me and Fairuz never had our own birthday parties when we were kids.

"Lain je bunyi kau ni Long - tinggal Subuh ke?"

We talked the same talk each month: Fairuz's expected academic progress, the two kids and the headache they give her, my health and study, my parent's plan to Hajj, current events in Kuala Selangor and Malaysia in general, who died and who got married, local UMNO politicians whoring in the kampongs, my granddad's ailing health, my dad's aching back, her stories from work, my high school winning national quizzes and competitions, and what I stomach myself for lunch and dinner.

"Jangan selalu sangat makan McD, tak sihat."

This time around, her voice sounded different than I remembered it always. She sounded older, and more tired than usual. Her sentences were shorter and uttered slower than from the last time she rang me. I could sense from her breathing and the manner in which she pronounced certain words that she had something in mind to say to me, or that she was holding it back from telling me on the phone. I also felt that she knew I sensed something was in the air, but still, she kept back from telling.

"Mak nak masuk tidur ni - Jaga diri baik-baik."

A few months ago she asked me if I was free and able to return home once more this December, but I said no, "... maybe during the following summer holidays." Ever since Fairuz left the house, she had more time to call me up during the weekends, sometimes talking for hours and late into the night. Fairuz mentioned to me that, although Dad's back is getting worse these days and that he is not able to drive to faraway places anymore, they frequently visit him at his hostel in Melaka during the weekends, sometimes renting a motel and staying there for 3 days. I told him that they did the same thing to me when I was in Muzaffar Syah, and that that is nothing new, but when taking into context that they are not in their late 30s anymore, I don't feel good about it.

The next day, Fairuz came online via MSN and we had a long brotherly chat. He was in a crappy cybercafe with the worst internet connection located in the vicinity of his hostel and was checking his email inbox for the day. I mentioned to him that Mom phoned me up yesterday morning and that she sounded like she had something to talk about but never really did tell. He laughed a little upon hearing that and continued that he too sensed something was in the air. Mom phoned him up too yesterday morning, he said, probably right after calling me. Almost immediately, he informed me of the probable reason why Mom was like that.

"She's been asking about your love life, bro."

From what Fairuz said to me in our chat, a lot of Mom's teaching colleagues and close neighbors and old friends from her maktab days now are either a grandmother to a cucu, or a mertua to a menantu. He remembered how Mom would talk to Dad at the dining table about this and that friend of theirs having a cucu and now a happy pair of grandparents, or how beautiful and kind and rich the menantu of this and that friend of theirs is. As usual, Fairuz added, he doesn't pay much attention to such things said at the table, but lately, such similar topic surfaces quite often now and then.

"Added, I told her I wanted to study medic in UK."

I guess, with her old age now and the fact that Fairuz will soon be studying faraway, Mom could not but feel older and lonelier and more abandoned by her sons. When Fairuz told her of his intention to also study oversea that morning, her initial reaction was an expected one - she didn't like it at all. She strongly suggested to Fairuz to consider UKM's medic program instead, and he scoffed at the idea, but then apologized to Mom after realizing that she was serious about it. Now with my kid brother wanting to go faraway to do his medic, and with that not being able to be in close contact anymore, the only ones left running around in her house are the two little 10-year-old Satans, my two youngest kid brothers.

"She asked me once have you got a girlfriend already."

I have always feared the day when Mom starts to be curious about matters of such nature. You don't feel good or comfortable answering such questions when they come at you, but you know you have to give her at least something to work on - some sort of a hint, a vague answer maybe. She does hold the right to know, you know. It's her future grandchildren we're talking about here. But for this situation, in my personal opinion, all that Mom is facing right now is nothing short of a typical middle life crisis, not the famous father version, but the mother version, which in details, is more emotionally complicated and longer to resolve. And to me, that means a long and torturous road ahead for us both.

"So, Long, have you got one?"

Regardless of the recent news development from home, at the moment, all I am eyeing on right now is my goddamn chemical engineering degree program. The wretched beast is slowly gaining on my nerves, and I intend on ultimately ending its scourge soon with a single quick chop at the back of its neck. For now, letting go of my sword and armor and donning the leotard pants and a clown's pointy hat and off I merrily go to a skirt-chasing beach party is not a main priority. To be frank, I can't even see myself skirt-chasing.

Personally, and again frankly, this girlfriend business is really not my line of business. I don't really know how to handle the trade and its nooks and crannies, and if given the chance, I'd be happy to, but if not, well, there is always something else to venture into. I see the issue, and girls for that matter, on a more reproductive angle - and that is not to say that I think of girls as "baby factory" or anything like that. It's just that, well... I don't know. It's kinda hard to put into sensible words. I think I am one of those persons who strongly say that girlfriends are to be married, that and only that. Unless the time for marriage has finally knocked on your door, don't go skirt-chasing yet. Big mistake. Will regret. Believe me.

The time will come, and I will know; but for now, let's just chill.