Like Asking an Imperial Palace Eunuch for a First Night's Lovemaking Tips
By YBLalat

Somebody had asked me to provide a piece of advice on dealing with the opposite sex. He stated his problem in the privacy of my guestbook and further mentioned that, knowing how messed up my mind is especially in the theory of dealing with girls, he does not mind if I were to decide to make a total ass out of him and his problem. In simpler words, say whatever I think is a sound advice and he’ll just treat it as a mere entertainment piece. Okay, fine with me, but I am not doing that – I will advice him seriously as best as I goddamn could.


Dear Lalat,

I am deeply in love with my best friend’s girlfriend, or so I think I am.

She is hot and funny and very nice towards me and we’ve known each other, through her relationship with my buddy of course, for quite some time now. Her relationship with my buddy is still going strong – on and off and on and off again – but things have promisingly evolved between us in that period of time, moving on from just ‘she’s just my buddy’s lover’ to ‘I think she may be digging me too’.

The fact that she is always with my best friend and I am always hanging out with him makes it often and easier for us to see each other and interact intimately, without arousing the suspicions of our other friends and, especially, my buddy.

I have not confronted her on this issue of whether she likes me also or not (and neither have she to me) simply because I am not sure whether that would be the wisest thing to do. I highly value my close relationship with my best friend; in fact, I’ve known him longer than I’ve known other people in my life. But each time I see them being so intimate and involved with each other, my heart just feels like being crushed to pieces.

Please help me on this, Lalat, since you seem to know so well about them girls.

Your Close Relative,
[Nyamuk]


Dear Nyamuk,

Of all the available ferocious sex kittens in this world, you just had to fall for your buddy’s sweet little pussycat. That is such a sad, sad thing to hear these days, man. There are a lot more of them hot chicks out there, just waiting to be knocked out by your hammer on their head and dragged unconsciously by their hair to the nearest vacant cave (i.e. the caveman’s definition of love). Don’t you already know that at such times as the near of kiamat as nowadays, having a fully functional penis attached to your groin multiplies the market value of you as a man by the tenfold? Were you sleeping in your Agama class back then in high school?

However, since you’ve asked me nicely and since I don’t have anything else to do but to update this page, so what the heck, eh?

Firstly, do not be taken in by the niceness of the girl towards you. That gesture means nothing; it has no significant value whatsoever. I do not mean that her niceness is false or that she was only pretending to be nice to you. What I mean is girls are nice to everyone indiscriminately: stray cats, stranger on a bus, the postman, fishmonger, boy scouts, homeless bum, filthy beggars, suspicious-looking Arab man with suspicious-looking bag wandering around suspiciously at the airport and boyfriend’s buddy – you name it, they’ll treat them nicely. Probably since you are in the state of liking her so much that you feel her treatment towards you is “too nice” to be coming from a casual friend. Relax. All girls are naturally nice to everyone (well, maybe not your pesky sister).

Secondly, there is, however, the slim possibility that she is indeed checking you out, even if she is currently attached to somebody else. The main concern here then is to what degree of seriousness is she doing that. Don’t understand me? Well, it is a pretty well known fact that girls our age are severely insecure, highly promiscuous beasts. Translating this into simple English, girls have the innate habit of always trying to keep their option free, and this is vividly obvious with the more attractive girls, if you observe them carefully. There is always this voice at the back of their head that constantly reminds them, often subconsciously, to be on the lookout for any available, potential, if any, more fitting male candidate to pair up with.

Let us assume that she is indeed digging you, checking you out, testing the depth of the water, and playing the “consumer power” game on you. Then, you need to assess how serious is she doing that. What great importance does this bring front to? Well, several things could be said out of this. Firstly, if she truly is serious about flirting around with her boyfriend’s best friend, wouldn’t that tell you a lot about what kind of a person she is? Secondly, it also shows how the girl and your best friend are holding on onto each other’s vow of commitment and how intimate they are. Sometimes, when you are in a serious relationship with a guy, there would come a time when the little things that usually would make you laugh and love him more would taste stale and not as exciting as it used to be. This is not to say that the girl has fallen out of love, but more of a state where she feels so comfortable with him that staying comfortable for so long makes her feel uneasy. Thus from this, the girl would venture out temporarily and seek the little things that her guy has seem to lost it all (although it is not actually the guy’s fault but just the way the girl sees it) from an outside source.

And in her case, that temporary outside source might be you, my poor mislead friend. Why ‘temporary’ I say? Well, in the end, if she truly loves her man and loves him still, then you’ll know to whose shoulder she would go and affectionately cradle her face onto. So how can we conclude from all this degree of seriousness which she is investing in you with? If she seems to be really serious about it, and about you, then there is a high probability that she would eventually dump your best friend and jump onto your wagon. If she seems to be playing you like a pet rag doll, only showing her interest when her heart desires or when she is in a dire need of attention, then, sorry to say this, pal, but I think you are just her playful summer fling.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot this one. How do you go about to detect her degree of seriousness? In order to do this, you have to know her past and character well enough to judge her present actions. Okay, I know that it’s not right to judge people, but, without overdoing this too much and always trying to keep your head level and open, even the simplest and the most overall judgment that you would get will be pretty much consistent with what her real plans are.

Why is that true, you ask? Well, from my years of dedicated observation, girls are a sure leaking hole. They can’t keep things from others: things like childhood secrets, classmate crushes, Mr. Right fantasies, sex dreams and evil schemes to rule the world. They try to keep them to their own to their best extent, but never often would they succeed. The more they try to keep it, the more that it shows – sometimes through their body language, facial expression, change of voice, sudden attitude shift (not to be confused with PMS), buddy girl friends and so on. When confronted or in a very nervous or anxious state, they would give away the secrets pretty easily. I trust that you are able to do the detecting part of this on your own, since having the advantage of knowing her behavior and details, I am very confident that you are wise and experienced enough to become aware of the signals that she transmits to you (if there are any).

Thirdly, after knowing how she views you, whether as a potential candidate or just a mere partying company, you need to assess the situation from your level. Ask yourself questions. How much do I want her? How much does it take to want her? How much does she want me? What if she still remembers him? Can I make her forget him? Would I be a better lover? If I confront her and she says ‘no’, what would happen between me and my buddy? Is it worth the risk? Is she worth the pain? Can I forget her and walk away if I choose to not confront this? Why do I even like her in the first place? Is it because of her way with treating my buddy? Do I want that for myself? Did I fell for her as a person or for her niceness to me? Is it because of her beauty? Is it because of her personality once I’ve known her well? What makes her so special to me? Can’t I find such qualities in other girls? When is this self-questioning going to end? Where is this going, Lalat?

Finally, when you have assessed her and yourself, comes the time to decide and act on it. Beyond this point, my advice is of no practical use whatsoever. I can’t help you with the prying off of the girl from your best friend’s hands, but I can surely assist you in the thought and decision-making process. To be truthful, I have no experience in working my needles through and onto a girl. I have never been in wild girl-chase before and am not interested in doing it anytime soon. But, if I were in your shoes right now and I have decided to screw the living shit out of my friendship with my buddy by stealing his hot bitch from under his own nose, then I would act as follows:

"I would play the waiting game a lot. Nothing excites me more than the ambiguity of a move by the clueless girl. Playing the waiting game is not necessarily playing yourself hard to get. You just wait for the right moment to say the right words. But the right words are not necessarily actual words themselves. It could be a gesture, a smile or some sort, depending on the moment. I would pace myself accordingly; making the stealing of her as a more ‘natural’ act of liking her gradually rather than my employment of a year-long-planned covert operation. Go very slow and often stop and check for her feedback. Analyze them. It might still be possible that she thinks that I am playing her. Respond to her only in an appropriate and unsuspecting amount. I would make sure that I send the right signals: ambiguous at first, and then gradually becoming more obvious and direct. Play tug-of-war with the control of the flirting process: sometimes I make the first move, sometimes I would wait for her. This is important as to not give away the idea that I am the bastard stealing her, but more of both of us stealing each other from the grasp of my buddy."

The above paragraph is what I would do if I were in your shoes and in that exact situation. The actual truth is: I wouldn’t do my best friend’s girl in any condition whatsoever. To me, my best friend’s girl is immediately a crossed-out name from my list of potentials. Once their names are crossed out, I would not even think to reconsider them. Even if they ended up breaking up later, I would not go for her still. The resulting awkwardness would just be to unbearable for the both of us. Anyway, also from my observations, once a girl has labeled you as her friend (in your case, Nyamuk, you are indeed her friend first and foremost), she would never you see as a sexual object again. In a girl’s mind, friends are her brothers and sisters. Guys, however, see this differently.

My stand on such issues is simple: hot girls come and go, but best friends are for life.