He Ain't Cool (But He's Me grandDad)
[Part 2: From me Dad's Mouth]
by YBLalat

When I was a few weeks away from coming to the States, me Dad and I went to get me Mum and me brothers food for berbuka from the nearby town's pasar malam. I asked me Dad to drive the car (although I have yet to acquire a driving license), but, as you would expect of anyone's dad, he didn't let me drive. So, I ended up sitting next to him at the 'navigator seat' (as I like to call it so) all along the way and back. Being the real men that we are, me Dad and I did not have much to talk about with each other and the journey was often sporadically filled with not much of that wholesome father-and-son guy talk thingy. Hm. I guess we are closer that way. But anywho, the drive was long and I always had this one topic in mind that I wanted to ask him about. It was about me darn senile grandDad.

(Of course, me Dad and I don't actually converse with each other in English, especially this type of Clockwork Orange's English, but since I find it more hilarious than just talking in Malay; so, what the heck, right? Surely you won't bitch about it. And oh! Notice how Bart Simpson doesn't call his dad with a 'Dad' or a 'Pa', but with his first name: 'Homer'? *Laugh* Well...)

"Sharin."
"Oi?"
"Remember me grandDad?"
"He's me own Dad, sonny boy, for sure I am."
"Why is it that he have these rules on Ramadan?"
"What yer saying, boy?"
"The ones with all that 'yer must fast for 30 days and pray tarawikh for 30 nights'?"
"Ah!"
"Y'know, Sharin?"
"Ai."
"Well?"
"Me don't know that, son."
"Crikey."
"The old bag of bones didn't do that on me when I was yer age."
"For sure?"
"For sure, lad."
"Bloody hell."
"But me own grandDad did."
"Yer own grandDad?"
"Ai."
"Oh."
"That bloody bugger."
"The same thing then, eh?"
"Ai, but he had his own way then. 'By primary school, yer must fast the 30 days fast. Then, by high school, yer must pray the 30 nights pray'. That's the
tarawikh, me son."
"Ai. Same as me own grandDad."
"There's more still. 'By college, yer must read the 30 juzu' read.'"
"Shite!"
"I ain't shite-ing yer, sonny. 'Then, by marriage, yer must pray the 30 nights qiamullail."
"Friggin' bastard!"
"Ai-ai."
"Goddamn wanker!"
"Haha."
"But, why did you not do the same thing on me, Sharin?"
"Well, the thing is, sonny, it's not my pleasure to do the dirty deed on ya."
"Y'mean?"
"It's yer grandDad's, and it's me grandDad's too."
"Little willies!"
"Ai. Every grandDad in the family does it to their own grandSons."
"And grandGirls?"
"Nay. Not in the family tradition."
"Why?"
"Y'know, grandGirls have them bloody leaks every month, a-ight?"
"So, just the grandDads' doings then, eh?"
"Yer grandMums are all pussies. They luv ya too much to force yer arse to sit away."
"So, if I were to have me own boys, then they would be yer Ramadan-pleasures, eh?
"Ai."
"Hm. Sorry blokes they are."
"Ai."
"Can't wait to have me own grandSons."
"That's the spirit, lad."