It’s been a while since I wrote something degrading regarding my roommates. In fact, it’s also been an even longer period since I last ridiculed the opposite sex, moreover my avid readers. In the heat of demands by some of you, I might as well write something nasty about the two types of dirt bag above, but unfortunately, I am not that shallow, cheap bastard you can force to stoop to the level of your crotch. If I were to succumb to your demand of a sarcastic and condescending entry, then would not it be appropriate to label me a popularity whore? Licking your boss’ shriveled ass seems outright necessary for the desperate you to obtain your long-desired job promotion. Telling your best friend that her web page’s new layout is more beautiful than before is essential for you so that she would say the same thing to your new layout. Saying how handsome and trendy your boyfriend is in that new red and green suede jacket is vital in order to get his money to buy you gifts. But frankly, sucking up to my dear page visitor is a waste of my time. I wish I had a web-cam in front of me right now, so that you could see my middle fingers waking up to the early morning sun. However, I am still human. I have emotions. I know how to empathize. I know what it is like to be entertained. I know the feeling of beginning the day with a fresh smile on your face. I know that life is always making you grumpy and old. I know how unpleasant it feels to have blood pouring out of between your thighs every month. I know how furious you could be when you realized that you are loved not because of who you are inside, but because of your arrow-sharp nipples. I know all of that and don’t you worry. I will please you today with the best of my unique humor.

[Plan B]
by YBLalat

God is so nice to me. He put me here in a land far away from home, studying to be a great engineer, in the warm company of three good men, worthy of praise and admiration. They are young men like me, struggling to live our lives the way our worm-food forefathers wanted since day one of the nation’s independence from white trash. We are responsible for the future of our race and religion and being that we are tomorrow’s leaders, a whole ship full of us is sent to learn the ways of the world in this great land of strip clubs, blow job, booze, sex orgy and bumbling idiotic presidents.

My roommates are the best of the best. ‘A’ grade material for your husbandry needs. In fact, I am so proud of them and so taken by their attractive attributes, that I sometime wish that I had them as my male siblings. This gay-prone incest-like wish is impossible, I know. However, in the honor of rewarding you, my dear female readers, for the months of loyal readership, I shall recommend you these three young virgins whom are still available for you to be handcuffed to the bed and their asses whipped to the point of your orgasmic bliss. Today, I will describe to you the factors unique to each of these hot bachelors and may God help you refrain from the burning urge of premarital sex after reading about them here.

The first of the three is Pyan, the proud owner of a sports car and a nice-looking pair of legs. He has the charm of an oldies hippie band guitarist with that seductive facial hair of his: thin but sexually arousing goatee, soft but wildly trimmed sideburns. He is your favorite sportsman and athlete, plays and an ace at all kinds of sports. He jogs and cycles regularly and has a steady job that pays him more than he needs. This is good news for you, girls, as he is able to shower you with gifts and cash. He is also very talented with the acoustic guitar and known for his sweet singing voice in the shower. He’s had several local girls here in the U of M drooling over his charm and physique but is yet to commit seriously to any of the low-grade candidate. He is currently seeing somebody in the States but do not get discouraged, for to him, she is merely a fun joyride.

Then comes in Mamat, the cute fuzzy bunny from the south state of Malaysia. Although small in figure, he is the ladies’ man among the three. Best in slow talks and good with romantic meals, he outscored other guys by a huge margin. Always generous with his red and glossy smile, he will entrance you to the tip of your toes. His frantically flipping eyelashes will mesmerize you and his poetic but smooth views will keep you entertained for hours. His job demands that he works out physically and that results in a tight and greasy abdomen. The sight of him shirtless will make you want to be his sponge bath. All this and added to that dwarf frame, he is your complete package for a cold winter night cuddle. He is still single and available but you must hurry; he is the local girls’ favorite doll.

Last but not least, the tall and dark Awin. His towering scale and broad shoulders are a plus to his small and alluring eyes. Dark-haired and very fashionable, he lifts weights and dumbbells as a hobby. Known to do workouts at free time, he has this long and full six-packed stomach that yearns your soft touch. He is a regular bike rider but he reigns supreme on roller blades: fast and furious. The softer side of him will make you feel tickled inside your chest. He likes to run away and seek peacefulness at the grip of a fishing rod and has been known to be good at it. He enjoys romantic music and has acquired a pleasurable taste for it. Mariah Carey, Backstreet Boys, N Sync and Britney Spears are to name a few. He is a naughty boy, however, and is known to go on dates with several local girls at one time. If capturing bad boys gives you the thrills, then go and hunt this macho hunk.

There you are my three young and sexy roommates, each with their own remarkableness. All are soft spoken and well behaved, they are a girl’s best candidates to a short but fun night at the Mall. Once you have the experience to go out with them, you would want to own them like your favorite expensive tampons, reliable to make you feel secured and tender to your sensitive parts. I assure you that you will have your beliefs on love made in heavens firmly replanted in your heart. Never again will you wake up alone and cold, without that velvety and squishy feeling of a last night’s wonderful experience with them lying next to you. The three are trophy boyfriends and prize companions. How happy your parents will be, knowing that you have yourselves the Prince Charming that you’ve always heard about in folksongs and fairy tales. Approach them and feel the sudden rush of magic in your veins. Hold their hands and absorb the delicate warmth and burning passion that you crave. Marry them and they are your toys forever.

Where do I fit in your lives after that, did you ask? Well, soon after the both of you graced the first anniversary mark, then all will come to me, your dear Plan ‘B’, with your excess baggage. And when your lovers start to run to younger sluts for their firmer ass, then all of you will say out my name during cold winter nights, longing for warm affection. And when your eyes see the obvious of their objectives of only getting laid and making you a slave, then all will cry on my small shoulders and seek forgiveness and repent. And when your breasts hung like old and brown papayas, and when you have to resort to French Ticklers and AA batteries vibrator, then all will come begging me for a second chance. And when your husbands turn to porn sites and nude magazines to get into the lovemaking mood, then you will have my face in your clouded head, feeling stupid for falling in love for the wrong reasons. You are fools in love to begin with and you will still end as one!

However, I will be here always; waiting faithfully that you’d come back to me. That foolish idiot that no one wants. Now, your eyes may not be able to see and your hearts may not be able to distinguish, but in the end, all is left is your deepest regret for treating me like a lamppost that I am. I know now that I am merely your Plan ‘B’ but still, I am with my most sincere contentment to the fate of that. Each day I pray that your love life will fall into ruins and disorder, thus after that, mine would start and I would have the last laugh.