[The Title is at the Bottom of the Entry]
by YBLalat

Some [homesick] Malaysian students from the U of Minnesota are heading homeward to their beloved momma and dadda [aww...how 'manja' of Lalat] today. Their flights were scheduled for lift off as early as nine in the morning, or as my biological clock would call it, my 'Wake Up Dammit, Have You Prayed Yet?' time. [The answer is usually yes; I stay up late, until around three, so that I won't miss my dawn prayer]. Who knows, maybe they are midway through their journey already as we speak. One thing struck my funny bone just now, struck really hard. A few days ago, one of my roommates rented the 'Castaway' video. You know, the one which was obviously a massive FedEx [suck-up] exposure. [So what if the film did not manage to pull in a gazillion bucks? FedEx will pay 'em Hollywood bastards.] And then even before the image of Tom Hanks' fat hairy belly fades away, some of those who I know are going on a trip via airplane. So, is there actually something really funny about this notion of coincidence? I can't tell yet but I do know that I want to give an advice to those who are going back home today via the service of the metal birds. It might be a good idea to bring along a blow-up doll [for the dudes] or a double-headed dildo [for the dudettes] in case you are left stranded in an island. Instead of humping a painted volleyball named Wilson, you could still live your sex life [but with a twist of imagination, of course] with something that hits closer to reality.

Am I talking smut and crap here? [duh!] Do you think I am just another dirty-minded asshole who takes pride in his jokes about masturbation? Well now, that's where the movie is all wrong. It doesn't reflect the reality of the situation that the actor is experiencing. You are all alone in an island God knows where on the map, a grown-up with kinky desires and your *oh yeah* equipment is all attached and functioning well, and for a long period of time, you do not see the most faint sight of the opposite sex. What would you do? [don't scream the answer out loud, just say it in your head. others might be listening in.] Of course, I don't expect that Ya Sheikh-ul-Rafique would do what's in your mind just now [how dare you think that of him!] but he is indeed a [biologically] mature piece of nice ass. Just pleases me, that nice kopiah boy, when he walks his manly walk down the street. [oh no, not another Lalat's gay jokes again]. He sure knows how to make a girl melt with that walk and his smile and soft but husky voice. In this part of the globe, Rafique is the next best thing to a Malay sex symbol and Mr Right as well.

Once when I was an MIRC addict, I followed a conversation between two young and healthy girls. One was a new student still in Malaysia and will be coming to the US while the other one is a female U of M student of my age here in Minneapolis. They had known each other pretty well (ex-schoolmates, I guess) and were hitting it off madly, gossiping like old aunties and all that. I did not pay any attention to the details until the following [somewhat accurate] exchange occured between them:

"Tell me, how handsome is this [some jerk's name I forgot], huh?"
"Oh, I don't know how to describe. He's okay lah. Maybe more :-)"
"Come on lah [one girl's name], tell me, tell me, tell me."
"Hm. Do you know Rafique?"
"The fair-skinned guy with soft Chinese eyes in PPP?"
"Yeah, remember him?"
"A-ha, why? Looks like Rafique?????"
"He [referring to the jerk] is that dreamy, that cute."
"Awwwwww. Wow [melting like butter on hot stove]"
"Yeah, that handsome, [other girl's name]. No wonder, huh?"

'No wonder, huh' what? This question I could not elucidate you on because when I barged into their conversation, they ran away to continue their private chat session whilst cursing me like I am some idiot. So, if any of you suddenly got this crazy idea of checking out Rafique's ass [worth the checking out, believe me girls] and probably try dipping your feet into his water to test its warmth, seeing if there is any possible spark of chemistry, well, sorry to say this, but he is already seeing somebody else. I am not joking here or even remotely trying to blow away a potential competition [yeah, right]. I had the chance of seeing her photo in his locker while we were in PPP ITM. She is way too good for you girls. You will look like some cheap ho from Brooklyn compared to this nice lady. Like his man, this lady is Mrs Right. Rafique told me how good was her rapport with his mom and that her mom likes her a lot. So, forget about it. The door is closed tight. Seriously blueicecube, just forget about the idea [I am so inviting-trouble with this remark]. I am dead serious here everybody. Rafique is out-of-bound, please go home quietly and take a cold shower. For once, trust me on this.

Okay, enough is enough, let's talk about something else, shall we? Okay. Hm. About me? No way, I am not into this lovey-dovey monkey crap. Commitment makes my armpits swell. Even in the worst case scenario of an inevitable relationship, I would reach the second base and stop and walk away. That's it, just second base. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am. Haha.

[This has been another woman- and Hollywood movie-bashing campaign brought to you by the That Sick Lalat! Foundation in the event of a waning attention-grabbing blog visits. Be sure to catch other similar campaigns sponsored by the foundation next time, such as the roommate- and reader-bashing campaigns and the ever popular self-humiliating gay-and-loser jokes of YBLalat.]